typing vigorously: June 2008

I posted this on a blog I had about a year ago. I still feel like it's something I should share to whomever has stumbled across this blog. As you read this, remember that I'm honestly not a miserable person, I'm absolutely not looking for sympathy, and that in the past year I've grown a bit and am learning day by day how important it is to take good care of me and my mental health. I also feel I'm in a much better place in life than I was last year around this time. I will probably always feel this way, but I'm learning how to function and try to be as happy as I can with what I already have. I really just feel as this is one public forum I feel comfortable discussing such a thing in, I should take advantage and inform people of this thing I'd never heard of until a few years ago.

Ever since I can really remember, I've never been happy. Now now.. this isn't me writing to get sympathy or have anyone think "Aww, poor girl". Really. I just want to talk about it for a minute. There are many kinds of mental illnesses. We've all heard about depression, anxiety and probably bi-polar disease and schizophrenia. And I'm sure everyone at some point in their life has really been in the dumps and felt like they couldn't crawl out with all their might. Depression hits everyone. Life isn't perfect..etc etc.

I've seen a few counselors, psychiatrists and doctors concerning my unhappiness before. What would happen would be this. I would be really sad, would make an appointment.. go for a few appointments, get prescribed some pills and after a month or so I would feel better and wonder why I even bothered. I know other people who have done this too. I would assume you know at least one person who has been on anti-depressants before. I've been diagnosed with depression all those times. One day, a doctor told me a new word that kind of meant the same thing. Dysthymia? He explained to me what it was, and I said.. "Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh......". It made sense for the first time ever. It reminded me of when I found out I needed glasses and thought that everyone had to squint at the board to read it. It also made me feel a little less crazy.

I had never heard of something like this before. Dysthymia. Here's a definition i scrounged up.

Is chronic mild to moderate chronic depression, as opposed to major depression. The DSM-IV mandates the same symptoms as for major depression, except for suicidality, but requires only three symptoms in all, so long as they have persisted over two years. Mild to moderate is a misnomer, as dysthymia can make a person’s life as miserable as major depression.

The way the doctor described it to me was basically like, there is a line, that's "normal", happy, content, whatever. People with dysthymia stay below the line all the time. So relatively speaking that is normal. However, normal sucks. I found that yeah, I feel like shit all the time. I'm generally most happy when I'm lying in bed.. and doing things (making my bed, taking a shower, cooking meals, paying bills) aren't as easy as I feel they should be. I struggle for confidence, worth and self-esteem. I like this description:

Still, we are able to function, a sort of death-in-life existence that gets us out into the world and to work and the duties of staying alive then back to our homes and the blessed relief of flopping into our unmade beds.
All too often, we are told to snap out of it. That the invisible water torture we carry in our heads is our own fault. And shamed into thinking something is wrong with our attitudes, we fail to seek help. Or, if we do, it's our family physician who confuses a very real chemical imbalance in the brain with some imaginary defect in our personality. And so we are sent away with a stupid happy pill such as a tranquilizer (whose depressive effect only adds to our quiet misery).
Some of us turn to the bottle or illegal drugs. Others seek a more permanent solution. Yes, even milder forms of depression can be lethal (experts estimate anywhere from 3 to 12 percent of people with dysthymia cure themselves by suicide).

stolen from here

Most people can articulate better than me. Which is why I have a blog.. to steal other people's good ideas and share them with you!

So I have this..thing. Good, I know what it is and that I'm not necessarily crazy. I know I'll probably have it forever and that basically I need to do whatever I can to make it better. The bad news is I am bad with taking pills. I will get them, take them, then stop because I feel better. Self-destructive? No. Just irresponsible. And cheap. And I am never quite sure if they are working, or if my brain is into the placebo effect. But I can get out of bed, take a shower and try and eat right and exercise. Most of the time this works. By most of the time.. I would say.. 75%.

Then...... it hits. Like a depression on top of a depression. I shut down. Collapse. Contemplate suicide on the rare occasion. Feel hopeless, worthless, incapable of receiving love (from myself or anyone else). I do things that are bad. Not *bad* bad. Just, not good. I don't answer phone calls, I sleep for 16+ hours. I call-in to work or skip school. I don't eat. I smoke. I cry. Etc, you get the point. I do this until I don't. It's fucked up, and I hate it. I hope some day (soon!) I will have developed the skills to stop this before it starts and not let myself get away with it. Luckily, it's been awhile since I've been that miserable.

Every once in a blue moon.. I am happy. Content. I love life and everything about it. Then it goes away.. but for those moments I embrace it..

Most days I fake it (fake it until you make it?). And that's okay for now. I would love to be content on a daily basis. But honestly, to me, that doesn't seem real. Is it real? Or is everyone else faking it too? I hope, pray all the time that there is more to life than this, but until then....

I don't hide behind this, or make it "who I am". It's a part of me.

for anyone who cares to read more